Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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