Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
