Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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