i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
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She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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