I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
