Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
