I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You ruined the universe
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
