How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
