New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
