i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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