Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
