I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
