I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
The uberlube is also flammable
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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