My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
