Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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