I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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