then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
