white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I smell like Dick and happiness
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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