He disabled his match.com account in front of me
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
