Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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