I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
