I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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