when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
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Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
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If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.