fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs