My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday