fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
How many fucks given?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.