Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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