My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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