Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
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