I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
