did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
