He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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