Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
