You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
