I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
