Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
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