What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
