i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
