What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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