Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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