can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
