I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
