so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
