if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I FOUND THE LEGS
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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