You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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