If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
