I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
