i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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