A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
