Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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