i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
