He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
