I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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