Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Randomize
