I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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