I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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