i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
